Innocence Lost

When I was a kid, I thought that what we wanted to be when we grow up was what you’ll always be. For example, in 6th grade, the teacher was asking us that very question. You heard the usual. Doctor, Lawyer, Fireman, Cop. Not sure if anybody said Politician. But what I am sure of is that nobody ever said Software Engineer or Database Administrator. Or, God forbid, Facilities Manager. You think anybody in your class said they wanted to be a “Business Architect”, or whatever the hell that means?

Chances are that unless you were pistol whipped by your parents to take Medicine or Law in college, you haven’t the faintest clue what job you’ll end up with. That temporary job filing papers turned into a regular job that suddenly you can’t get out of. True story about my work place: One of the help desk people tasked to fix our computers has no degree in IT, computer or machines in general. I asked him once if he has taken any of the certification tests. And I kid you not, he said “What’s that?”

I’m also sure that when we were all little tikes and tikettes, we thought that we’d be doing the same thing until we got old. “Lay-off” to us meant to keep away from our lunch. “You’re fired” wasn’t even in our vocabulary. Resignation sounds like a sickness. To us, if you did something bad or slacked off, you’re either taken to a corner or slapped on the hand with a ruler. Personally, I thought It would be like Cobra Commander calling his troops names after they screwed up, all while running away after defeat. They'd still be there in the next episode.

Ah innocence.

Here’s the thing. For most of us, we are stuck in these dead end jobs, putting up with morons we call our managers. Yet we still have to live with the reality that eventually they’re going to let us go, even if we don’t want to. We spend half of our week at our jobs all to earn a buck, putting up all kinds of crap; all to put food in our table. And yet at the end of the day, we’re just a number that the higher ups can drop once the stock keeps going down. Tell me that thought had crossed your mind back in school.

It’s very humbling to know that no matter how hard you work, how many hours you put in, or how many family members you alienate by working 12 hours a day, you can still fall victim to a bunch of people in a room that decides you’re just not worth keeping anymore. Back in 2002, in the waning days of the dot.com crash, this company lost so much money that they axed people without giving them any warning. This one guy that got it was around when the company was just a startup. Obviously, the guy dedicated himself to the company. He was so angry about getting laid-off that he went building to building looking for the president. Security called the cops and they let everyone leave early, just in case. The next day his picture was all over the doors in every building, telling employees not to let him in.

I understand that it’s a business. I’m not here to argue that point. It just saddens me sometimes that the hand that feeds me can also crush me. Since I’ve started to work, I’ve been fired once and survived three lay-offs. All while working at something I never thought I’d do. I guess I'll make a terrible manager.

We all work and work and work and just hope for the best. When we finally max out our usefulness, we're set aside for the new one to come in. Then we go out and try to find a job, hoping to get lucky. And the mad cycle keeps going round and round.

This wasn't what my fucking teacher told me would happen.

Motivation

I’ve divulged my plans for the move to New York. I figured I’d put everything on here to remind me what to do. I even mentioned briefly why I’m doing this. Here is the rest.

I’m in the state of mind right now where every day we come closer to the end of the story we call our life. Whether that is 60 years from now or 60 minutes, the clock is ticking. And it isn’t going back up. Unless you’re as smart as Dexter and can build a time machine from your hidden LAB-oo-ratory. But for us normal folk, that clock’s on the downward spiral. Tick, tick, tick….

Well before that clock stops, I want to have done everything I want to do. Up until now, I’ve been blessed to lead a life that affords me the freedom to think, be and say what I will. But, us humans aren’t built to be content. Since I got here, I feel that some times I’ve progressed and matured as a person; but for the most part it’s regressed. I’m tired of regressing. I want…no, I need to feel alive. We as people that walk this path called life have the desire to live to the utmost. I’m no different than you, or you. I’m just doing something about it instead of closing my eyes and dreaming or living vicariously through the Olsen twins.

Some have different ideas or opinions about “living to the utmost”. Mine is pretty simple. I just want to be able to do as much as I can and experience the most that I’m able to. I want to wake up and be happy that I’m alive. Warm blood flowing through my veins instead of the ice cold, robot like feeling of nothingness. Does that mean all roses and daisies? Of course not. But that’s the beauty of living life. It’s not Spring every day. It won’t rain all the time either. To me, it could be as simple as picking up a new hobby or as life altering as, well, Operation: Big Apple.

Will moving to New York help in any way? Yes, I believe so. I’m of the opinion that any place where I won’t have to answer to a Mom or Aunts will help. I’m of the opinion that any place I can be myself and take care of myself will only be helpful. Any place where you can start over new, in a city that is alive 24/7 will make you stronger inside. Independence breeds a strong will. And if nothing else, I’ve got family there to fall back on. A safety net, if you will.

Does that mean I’m a miserable loser right now? Sometimes that description is dead on. But I’m also a believer of small blessings. And yet, when have we ever as humans felt contentment? That’s right, when were six feet under. I’m hoping that moving will be the kick start I need.

Terri and Jeff

Been busy busy busy so I'm down to 2 posts this week. I'll hopefully make it up next week. As for today, I couldn't let the week pass without giving my two cents on issues that happened. I'm keeping it short since we've been bombarded with news about these two for days.

I'm sure everyone knows about the tragic story of the Minnesota school shootings from Tuesday. When I first read about this, Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" immediately came to mind. That was also about a school shooting. Sometimes I think that schools are the hardest places in the world. If you don't appear normal or hitch along with a group, chances are you'll be the target of a lot of abuse. And with no friends and, as was the case with this boy, no family, you're only option is to hide inside and stew. Or write blogs (wait a minute...) But nobody can keep stuff pent up for long. Just like a volcano, eventually it's gonna blow. I'm sure right now that kids around schools are laying off the usual punching bags for now but you know that it's going to start again. Let 's just hope that something like this never happens. But I wouldn't bet on it.

I'm sure you are all riveted about the Schiavo case and have been following it religiously. When I first heard about this, I am transported back to middle school and some high school English classes. See, every year we have to go over debating in school and the topic that was always selected was "Euthanasia vs. Prolonged life". Then they'd cut the class in half (arbitrarily, doesn't matter which way you believe in) and have us debate over the two. Naturally, those that defend euthanasia regularly lose once the religion part is thrown in. How in the world are you going to defend someone reading the passage that deals with "sanctity of life?" And, being in a country that doesn't have a separation of state and religion, that sticks with the teachers as valid points. I personally have been involved in too many of these debates that I just shut up. Besides, once someone brings out the bible it's all over. Now that the story of Terri Schiavo is out there (and I'm against deciding who lives and who dies, by the way unless proven without a shadow of a doubt that this is what Terri wanted) maybe then the Euthanasia party will have a chance. At the very least, the debate will go longer.

Operation: Big Apple

Too many times when we have plans, they fall through the cracks because of things that come up in our lives. Money saved to buy big things end up being spent somewhere else. Learn to do new things? They get pushed to the back because of lack of time (or a boss who wants you to work 12 hours a day). Maybe it could be even just as simple as lacking focus. You put off calling that person to get the ball rolling on your plan, until you realize one day that it's been 2 months since you said you'd call.

Well, Let me tell you that I'm guilty of all of the above, and more. So, to that end, I've thought of a solution for my focus-related problems; By entering progress (or lack thereof) here. Codenamed: Operation Big Apple. The Objective: to move to New York by the end of the calendar year. It's almost April and I thought of moving in February. But I couldn't get my butt moving because of work taking 45 hours of my weekday and writing getting my nights. Well, this time I figured if I can write in here what I've done or not done, then I can remember to do things that need to be done. I can also see how long it's taken me to accomplish things. And best of all, it gives me another excuse to write. Like right now I'm currently at my desk typing away and I think I've already mentioned my love for getting paid while doing absolutely nothing. ALT+TAB is my favorite keystroke.

Some backstory to spend more time writing: Right after I moved to the States, I gave myself 5 years to be truly independent because that was the ultimate goal for me. Buying a car was one of my goals and I got that. But, fully sustaining myself by my own devices was the main reason I made the leap here. Having maids to cook and clean is nice but after awhile, it made me feel real dumb. I knew I could do things on my own but since they're there, might as well, you know? So when the opportunity came to move, I took it. So, even now that I'm in full loser mode, I don't ever regret the decision. Because I haven't accomplished the last thing in my five year plan. Being filthy rich was another part of the plan but I quickly ditched that. It's part of the 50 year plan, now.

So, here we are now in the 3rd and a half year (4 in June) and I feel ready to make the leap. And New York is, has, and always been the place for me. I'm not a suburban kid. I belong in the city. It also makes sense because I have family there so it's not like I'm jumping into a pool full of sharks. My friend just moved from Manila to NY and he had to get papers to make it happen. He got it all done in 4 months and now he's already working, the lucky bastard. If he can do it, god dammit I can too. And I live here.

To accomplish, I'll need to have the following done. A job and a place. Easy? Hardly. Finding a job that's 5000 miles away isn't easy. Sometimes employers won't even consider an out of state resume. I got a good suggestion from a friend to skirt around that. He mentioned paying for an address box in the city. That way, I'll have an address thereto put on hte resume but I'll be here. And all my mail that goes to that mailbox would be redirected to where I am. And it's not one of those PO Boxes. It's a real deal address. So I need to go to a UPS store to inquire about that or just check their website. I'm hesitant because it feels like lying but screw it. Anything to move. Although, if they call me on a Wednesday and ask for face time on a Thrusday, then I'm really screwed.

I also need to talk to my cousin there just to see how the market's like for jobs and an apartment. He's so freaking hard to come by because he's a chef and works ridiculously long and weird hours. I've been looking at the Times to see if they have any news about the job market like we do here on a daily basis. And of course, I need to scour the job sites like Monster and CareerBuilder for jobs and hopefully get lucky. Maybe my Aunts there know of any jobs open. Need to give them a call.

Right now, that's all I got. I don't want to mess up like the last time I tried to move. So hopefully this time it'll happen. Let me know if any of you have ideas or suggestions. I also accept criticism and "you can't do it!" speeches. Gives me more motivation.

Crazy...

Some things that have nothing to do with each other. Just had to get that out of the way.

I found this while browsing through Neil Gaiman's journal. A blogger was helping his son with a homework to make fictional stories. He was given a hand out with the same words on the chart to replace "Said". I haven't gone back to any of my works yet if I said "Said" too many times. Not that I really care since I completely disagree with replacing "Said". You're not going to use it anyway if the story calls for an emotion to be pointed out. I've always believed in letting the words flow from your head to the paper and if "Said" comes out, then so be it. What's next, no more pronouns? I don't know about you, but the fact that they are teaching this in schools scares me. Pretty soon, "Said" will be, indeed, "Dead". Otherwise, nice site with a lot of helpful stuff.

For art lovers. Michael Zulli is a wonderful painter and drew the final story for "The Sandman", among other things. He's decided to draw one last final Dream and he's been kind enough to give updates in a blog meets art class style site. Just checked it now as I write and the painting is coming along great. This reminds me of that show where the old gray haired guy would teach painting sceneries on TV. It's the most boring show I've ever seen. Right next to Gilmore Girls. Maybe if he drew models and have Kate Winslet to draw, like Leo did.

Here's another reason to love the Internet and hate Corporate types. It's been 6 years since Fiona Apple made a record and longer since she won prestige for "Criminal". Now word from the San Francisco Chronicle that her new record was actually done 2 years ago but the suits at Sony didn't release it because there was no "single". In the meantime, the entire album, called "Extraordinary Machine" has been leaked and people are spreading it like wildfire. I got my copy this morning and I've been listening to it repeatedly ever since. Very different and very unique. It's awesome stuff. Personal favorites are Better Version of Me and Extraordinary. It wasn't very hard to find (I did get my copy from a link in the story) and people are willing to share. And yes, there was no single but who cares? If anybody wants some, let me know or just find it. Like I said it ain't that hard.

On the side, check out The Mars Volta. Great band, great album.

Finally, if you want your piece of history, or if you don't mind Aliens visiting your window to get your autograph or buy your car, then this is for you. Maybe someday, I can find on the internet a picture of an alien seeing a "Penis Pumper" ad for the first time. I can just imagine it's eyes ( or whatever it has) and mouth in shock at the ad. Then just shake it's head and turn to it's buddy and say

"Those crazy Earthlings"

The Purpose Driven Life

I had a lot of interesting things that I wanted to get to, however something arrived in the inbox yesterday that I felt took precedence. I'll take a back seat for now as this was not written by me. I don't know who wrote it but I'm not taking credit. There's enough dishonesty in this world to overflow the Atlantic.

As the beginning of the email said, this is something worth sharing. I despise forwarding messages but once in awhile, a nugget appears. So I thought I'd just put it here. Good day and enjoy.

THE GREATEST ADVICE

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior. Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.

Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder. Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals. Don't stagnate.!

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right. Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won.
Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter. Get rid of destructive
elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you are not ready. Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you. You light
up your life. You drive yourself to your destination. No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life
that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest
gift you can give someone is your time. Relationships take time and effort,
and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is
not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of
ourselves.

Getting Hitched

One of my favorite shows on TV is Everybody Loves Raymond. I think I’m one of 5 people in the entire world who think Patricia Heaton’s hot. I remember reading way back when the show first started getting attention that she wanted her character to be a little more “appealing” to the opposite sex. That would have been weird. That’s like saying your Mom’s hot. Good thing it never happened. She’s attractive just the way she is. Anyway, I mention the show because it’s the first thing I think about when I hear someone getting married.

I was chatting with a buddy of mine and he mentions to me that he recently got married and that her wife’s 5 months pregnant. Every time one of my friends get married, my reaction is, and always will be, happiness and shock. Happy for him/her and shocked that one of my friends, especially ones whom I’ve known since grade school, settles down. We went from talking shit to talking babies. I’ve known this guy since we were kids, playing our toys while waiting for our Mom and Dad to pick us up. Now he’s going to be Dad. I just can’t imagine. But God bless him, anyway.

See, I think we should all step back for a second and really think about what we are getting into. That, or just watch a few episodes of …Raymond. You think it’s funny now? Wait until you’ve been married for a few years. When you start arguing about who should take the suitcase, then put blue cheese on it to get back at your wife let me know. When you start thinking that the wife’s got something up her sleeve when she’s too “nice” let me know. Let me know if you still find the show hilarious.

Now, before I get lynched by my wedded or soon to be wedded peoples (as well as general fans of marriage), let me just say that I’m not against marriage. In fact, I truly believe that it is a sacred union between two people that connect and have a strong bond and just love each other. What’s a more powerful way of saying I love you than will you marry me?

(Which got me thinking, which is a more painful way of saying no? Let’s just be friends or not saying I do but some cockamamie excuse? I give the edge to turning the down the marriage offer. At least, the friends line gets you out rather early in the relationship. A couple chocolates here some flowers there won’t break the bank. Turning down a ring? Aye caramba! Not to mention the years spent in the relationship before that point.)

We all know of someone who’s hit the rocks on their marriage. We’ve all met people who’ve contemplated divorce. Yet, what we remember most is the newlyweds’, basking in the 2-year grace period glow of being together. We say ‘aww aren’t they so sweet together’ or ‘gee, I wish we were still that romantic’.

See, I think that there should be a minimum age for getting marred. About 40 sounds right. What better way to celebrate the “next phase of your life” by getting married then? In the meantime, go out and see the world first. Do what you have to do and get it out of your system. I’m sure I’m not the only one with a list like “things to do before I die.” Wouldn’t it be wise to finish off that list before the significant other starts negotiating to trim it down, or lordy lord, alter it altogether to better fit your new couplehood? I’m sure he/she’s not going to go for “#2 make out with a model.” (And if they don’t mind that, then congratulations, you found a keeper. Or a saint)

Maybe I’m jaded because of my surroundings. I know a guy who’s been married for 20 odd years. Today, they’re contemplating divorce and not on speaking terms but live in the same house. His common lament was that they just stopped having fun. When I go to visit my Uncle’s house, him and the mrs. seem to be practicing for a loudest shout competition. It’s so bad that their kids have already blocked them out, screaming serenity now!. Here at work, my co-worker seems to cry every week over his hubby. All without reaching their two-year anniversary. And of course, Ray Barone.

But you know what? It makes sense to me. I’m not ready to pony up the money to buy diapers. You know how much those cost? I’m not ready to put money on the nest egg for a college fund. I’m not ready to get 4 hours of sleep (if I’m lucky) every night because the baby needs to be fed at 3 am. I’m not ready to have a shouting match every week (or day).

Every day, someone out there drops to their knees and asks the magic question. They’ve heard the war stories but still they ask, forgetting everything they heard and basking in the romantic moment. The inevitable line is dropped about loving them forever. The “I do” is said and kisses abound.

They hope to be different. They hope to not be like everyone else. In time, I know that I’ll get on my knees and hope as well.

Just not right now. That or be like Ray.

Update!

I read an article that blogging can almost be an addiction of some sort. I think I linked to it awhile back. Anyway, I stayed away and focused on finishing my stories but now I'm back! And by God I missed just writing about whatever.

"Sleight of Hand" is done. Just need to get it back from Jen, my editor, producer, short description writer, proof reader, friend.. um -er. I'll post a preview here but, as always, all the stories are now on fictionpress. Cheap Plug!

Have you been catching up on the latest from the Michael Jackson trial? I wasn't paying attention to it until today. The accounts the kids give are just so freaky. I know it should be "innocent until proven guilty" but, I don't know about you but I find it hard to believe that the kid can make up something like "Jesus Juice". From that and the fondling... I mean I wouldn't be shocked anymore if Jacko does something outrageous again. Nothing can top this, if it is true. Not even Jacko appearing to court in jammies. Oh wait, he just did that.

Finally, after three weeks, I see progress in my golf swing. It's still shitty as hell, but at least I'm hitting fewer dribblers and the ball is actually getting some hang time. I'm not too serious about this game. It's just something fun to do after work. But it couldn't help to get a little hang time on the ball. I sometimes hit balls as high as Yao Ming's feet off the ground. So, I'm not bad. I just graduated from horrible, is all.

That's it. I'll be back tomorrow!

Doodle-Board Sucks!

Doodle-board sucks! They're now charging to have the board up on sites because "costs are running high"

Now I've to find a new one. One that doesn't censor like flooble. No wonder there was a blank space on hwat was supposed to be a message board on my site. I could have at least received a nice email telling me about this instead of shutting it down without warning. What's wrong with that? And no, a post on the website isn't much since I haven't been back to their site since I got the code. Why would I? Why should anybody? To think, people in that company actually sat in a room and came up with the conclusion that they can't offer the free service anymore. I'd like to think that the issue of letting the customer know what's going on came up. But the best they can do is a post on the site? That's poor service to me.

Hot Water in the Morning

My normal routine every morning before taking a shower is heating up a cup of water for my coffee. I'd put it on and have a smoke while waiting. When the cigarette has about 1/4 left on it, I know the microwave is done. I make my coffee, finish my smoke and take a shower. I do this to wake up before showering. Pretty normal routine and I'm sure I'm not the only one like this.

Today though, I woke up late. I had to finish my shower quickly because my Aunt has to go after me. Understand, two people can't take a shower in our house in succession unless we each take only 5 minutes. The hot water runs out and needs 15 minutes to get back up to a respectable level. I'm not sure if this is how it normally is in other houses but annoying cannot begin to describe this setup. When I own my own house, I'll have a tap to a deep well of hot water. So anyway, I decide to take a shower first and have coffee later. Not good. I felt groggy and sleepy and the hot water didn't help wake me up (And no, there's no freakin' way I'm showering with cold water in this weather) When I finished, I went out to the microwave, took my cup, put it in and went out for a smoke. I heard the microwave finish about the same time my Aunt woke up. She mentioned not to close the microwave door since she was going to put her cup in. I said ok. So I went to grab my cup and noticed it was real light.

I peeked in and found I had heated my cup. Just the cup.

My Fiction

I've posted my first story Sunset on www.fictionpress.com. Just wanted to test the waters. Got some good advice from Jen to post these suckers their for more people to read and critique them. She also wrote the description which actually reads better than anything on the story in my opinion. So big thanks to Jen. I'm leaning towards posting all my stories there, aside from the monthly thing I'm doing; not that there's anything wrong with Blogger.

Speaking of which, I'm delaying the first posting, tentatively titled "Blaylock" for a week because I've got something that I have to get off my chest. It's called Sleight of Hand and I'll have it on fictionpress this week. That's if I have to ask Jen to come up with the description again :)