Anecdotes/Announcement (In n Out)

I feel like resting this time. I felt really drained from the last three columns I wrote. Especially “New Power…”. That took a lot out of me. For now, I’m just going to write this In n Out and whatever I come up with, I’ll put it down.

Speaking of “New Power…”, I got some good feedback from it. They are my friends but its still good feedback. But to be honest, I felt like I wasn’t ready to write something like that. Looking back, there were a lot of things I didn’t get to say. I don’t know what they are and that’s the problem. It felt lacking. Is this a feeling all people who write something get? That it lacks that extra punch that will captivate the reader?

Another rant. I thought I’d take it easy today. I wasn’t even going to talk about getting pissed off last night. Ok, I’ll tell it anyway.

I was watching the “Newlyweds” last night. Don’t laugh. You have a guilty pleasure show that you watch. This is mine. For the night, at least. When I was in HS it was “TGIS”. Anyway, back to the story. So I was watching and during the commercials, they were hyping the season premiere of Ashlee’s show. I checked the guide and it said it was about her SNL show. Yes that one. If they ever need a way to grab viewers and raise ratings, that was it. I was hooked. I even watched 2 old Newlyweds and the new episode just so I can hear Ashlee’s pathetic excuse for what happened. The day after the incident, it was her voice that’s why she had to lip sync. She should just perform on “A.S.A.P.” or the Philippines for that matter. It’s taboo to sing live there. After a couple of days, it was her drummer’s fault. Frankly, the reason I wanted to watch is because something hilarious might happen like “It was Jessica’s fault! She can’t stand that I’m more popular than her!” or “It was Nick’s fault! Because Jessica doesn’t know how to rig the tape machine!” And she’d storm Jessica’s house and whack her head with a tuna can. That would garner “instant download-on-the-net-and-save-to-disk status” on my PC. Sad to say, none of these happened and what’s worse, they teased the performance for next week! What a bunch of bullshit! I stayed up for this?? I had to sit for 2 hours of the Simpson sister’s garbage and they left it hanging? They stopped the show hours before she was set to perform “live”. I went to bed pissed off. It’s like getting the line “not tonight” from your significant other.

Okay, I’m worked up. Let’s move on to something else.

I’ve got a couple of books in line to read. I’m reading one now and two in line. I’ve read some pages of the other two to get a feel for them. Pretty eclectic bunch. If your interested, you can search on Amazon or get them at your local bookstore (it's still legal to buy books at the bookstore!)

Sun Tzu Was a Sissy by Stanley Bing: My boss gave me this one. It’s about applying concepts of the Art of War to business. At least some of them. Most of the time he’s going against everything Sun Tzu says. At first me and my officemates didn’t know what to make of it. It tells you basically, to be selfish and think for yourself, attack “enemies”, in this case your officemates, and other insane stuff. Did I mention that my boss gave this to us? Ok old boss. Anyway, I’ve never read a book that was tongue-in-cheek and sarcastic from the opening word to the page I’m currently on. Sometimes it’s funny. But most of the time you just don’t know what to make of it. He better be sarcastic. It’s not for everyone. And I like dark humor. I just don’t know if you can get away with writing an entire book in a sarcastic tone. I read it mostly when I’m in the toilet. That’s why it’s taking me awhile to finish.

The Sandman: Book of Dreams: A gift from Pia (Thanks!) when I was back home. Various writers from different genres take a stab at The Sandman mythos and run with it. I read the first chapter while I was on the plane. Good story. I just hadn’t been in contact with a lot of the characters in Neil Gaiman’s epic in awhile so I didn’t appreciate it at the time. Obviously now, if I ever get to finish Tzu, I did my re-research and became acquainted with the characters again. I can’t recommend this if you haven’t read The Sandman yet. At least 20 issues. This was the inspiration for my blog sites theme and I can’t recommend The Sandman enough. Speaking of epics, I have an announcement at the end of this post. I’m pulling an Ashlee Simpson show. So keep reading.

Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal by Eric Schlosser: I was inspired to get this from watching “Super Size Me” and my cousins in New York gave me rave reviews of this book. I think it’s been out awhile. It’s about the practices of fast foods and garbage food companies. I’d already stopped eating fast food or potato chips for a good 2 months now before getting this but I ‘m still interested in reading it. If you’re still eating fast food, especially the fries, please stop right away. At least borrow the “Super Size Me” DVD and watch the extras, particularly the experiment. Please.

CD’s I’m really into now are my old 90’s Pinoy bands that I took home from my trip. The first 3 Eraserheads albums. P.O.T. The second Rivermaya album when Bamboo was still singing lead. Wolfgang’s “Semenelin”. Awesome album. I’m trying to find a way to bring back their first album. For some reason I left it. I also brought back the Nirvana and Alice in Chains unplugged albums. And my bootleg Pearl Jam live concert that I bought in CD Warehouse (CLASSIC!) for 900 pesos. For those of you who remember CD Warehouse, I thought I’d remind you of how ridiculously expensive their CD’s were. But I still ate them up. I just didn’t eat in school for 2 weeks. What I want to know is how to get in the VH1 show “I love the 90’s”. There’s nothing about the 90’s I don’t love. Ok, maybe the fashion. God that was awful.

Announcement time. In a couple of weeks, maybe longer depending on a couple of things, I will debut a new running feature to my blog site. A little back story first.

Way back in college, me and my friend Louie (Ex friend. Long story and nothing I’ll be covering here.) were the only two college kids still buying comics. One night, we came up with this idea for a comic we wanted to do. I used to have an old laptop and I actually wrote 3 stories, which would have been our first three issues. The first one I think I showed to him. I think. The second and third I wrote after our falling out. I actually spent a lot of time molding and thinking about the character and he came up with rough ideas for the appearance. We had grand plans for the story. I thought it was the most ambitious story I’d ever heard at the time. A notch below Sandman. Sadly, my old laptops battery gave way and I lost my charger so I can’t get my old files.

So, I thought I’d bring it back here in this space. It needs a lot of work. And I need to take out a lot of the corny stuff. Oh right. The plot.

Throughout our history, significant events have helped shape the way the world is now. Both bad and good. Historical findings, wars, assassinations, discoveries. Throughout it all, a figure worked in the back to observe and sometimes influence the outcome of these events for a purpose only he can explain.

That’s all I remember right now. It’s sounds lame but I’m missing a lot of important stuff we had. The point is this concept allows me to write stories set in virtually any time in Earth’s history. And that’s why I’m excited to do this here. This is a serious challenge for me as a writer. Especially when we get to the historical stuff. I can’t wait! What we had in mind format wise was to pattern it sort of like Grant Morrison’s excellent comic The Invisibles. Basically, one-shot stories explore individual stories that aren’t necessarily part of the main story, but tie into the overall theme. And longer stories will be broken off into story arcs. They can be as long as the story dictates. And they are bigger stories with a direct effect on the main theme. So basically the one shots are a little more personal, showing the effect our main figure has on individual people. The first three stories I wrote were like this. In the first one he didn’t even show up until the end. I liked that one. Then the longer stories are a little more, for lack of a better word, global.

Big huh? I can’t wait too. So big that I think I’ll keep this, if I last that long, to a once a month deal. Like a comic book. This is so ambitious that I’m part excited; part nervous because if I bomb on this, I would have wasted a significant part of my life on it. Wish me luck. Oh, BTW there’s no title yet because I forgot the original one.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a cigarette and I need to dig through old notes I made.

New Power of the People

“Say you want a revolution"
John Lennon

Before I started this whole blogger thing, I was talking to a friend of mine and I casually mentioned I was starting a blogsite. She mentions that she can’t get into it because, and I quote, “I feel naked”.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to another friend and we got to talking about this whole blogging thing. I mention that I’m really into this and she does too. But then she says it’ll die down once we lose the “novelty” of it. We pretty much agree that the “novelty” is all the tweaks to the blog site. I sure know the feeling. I spent hours, company time of course, finding on the net how to add links to my website. Once I found out how, it was truly gratifying.

I mention these two because it got me thinking about the art of blogging and the effect it has on us as persons and other people. Other people you say? I hardly even have other people come and look at my site. Let me explain.

We write these online journals for different reasons. I read one that described the pain of her first period. One was angry at her mom. This dude was posting really weird art. Another had a fetish for deep sea creatures. Poems, songs. My own short story. I actually found the photo of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction from last year’s Super Bowl on a blog site. One was tearing Ashlee Simpson a new hole for her whole SNL “live” act. Ok, I didn’t see that one but do you want to bet that someone, among the millions of people that have posted journals, hasn’t written something about that?

On my old journal, I would write mainly sports stuff. My weekly Niner Notes. Barry Bonds, the Red Sox winning the series. Personal stuff that might interest only me. But ever since I finally posted my story and heard back from people about it, I felt something change in my voice and me.

There’s only so many ways you can say how your day was.

The layman has found a new medium to voice their opinion. And as the community grows, so are other people hearing your voice. I read this news article about a company hired to sift through online blogs after the Super Bowl to look for postings critiquing the commercial ads that air. Think about that for a second. Doesn’t that make you want to actually look more intently at those ads and voice your opinion? Doesn’t that fan the flames of the writer in you to let your words be heard? Us simple bloggers, actually making a difference on whether something was successful or not?

And you thought hardly anyone was reading your posts?

Everyday, millions of people log on to their computers and put thoughts to a white electronic paper. I say use this forum to let your voice be heard. Put your thoughts and opinions out there for a whole new audience to read. Whether they scoff at your words, laugh, get angry, get disgusted, get amused. Anything! Just get something. As Dr. Jose Rizal once said, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” Or, in this case, the keyboard is mightier. Maybe that was a bad person to quote since he got jailed by the Spaniards for his words. But then I saw this article which is eerily similar to his plight. People just trying to make a difference with their words but got knocked down by a system which wishes to silence those who have an intelligent thought in their head. I’m not saying be this radical. Or am I?

Whether you want to think about it or not, words have the power to influence other people. People that you don’t know that wander aimlessly and fall to your site. People you know. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that they have eyes to read and a brain to process the words. To stir pent up feelings and emotions.

I get excited everytime I write. And it’s not just because I love to write. Just the thought of things that used to be concealed in my head be available for legion of users to see gets my adrenaline flowing. You just can’t wait for them to come back to you and say: “that was crap”, or “you’re dead-on”. “I can relate”. “You’re wrong. I think…” “What the hell are you talking about?” Ok that last one you don’t want to hear. That just means you suck as a writer.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, we need to reach a higher stream of thought and let it out for the world to see. We need to get out of this simplistic and selfish view of our world and talk about things that affect not only us but others as well so we are able to connect to other people. The simple act of putting thoughts to screen and sharing them with other people, whether they are 2 or 2,000, can have a profound effect on not only you but also the world. And, I assure you, we will never lose the “novelty” of posting these journals online. Were not naked to the world. We are free.

Every day, I hear or read about the new power of the people. Won’t you join the revolution?

Diary of a Neo-Gambler

Boy have I got a story for you.

Yesterday, if you’ve been living under a rock or have no care for football, was the AFC and NFC championship games. New England and Pittsburgh. Philadelphia and Atlanta. Seeing as the niners weren’t a part of this party, I put a little something “extra” to make sitting through 7 hours of football a bit more exciting. Anyway what follows is a running diary of both games. I’m not going to take credit for this idea, so click on the link of my favorite writer and sift through the archives. He does these things real well. This is my second crack at this running diary thing so remember, all times pacific, all times accurate to the best of my knowledge, and well, just read on.

10:05am: And we’re coming to you LIVE! From Hayward, CA. I stayed over here for the night to catch a free concert at the restaurant my Aunt works on (it’s free because I stayed in the kitchen. I’m not paying 35 bucks for someone I wouldn’t even pay 100 pesos to watch.) and to talk to my Uncle about betting on the games. He said that I’ve to call in my picks half an hour before the first game.

I’ve just provided an excuse to post my pic with the chick right here. I’ll take guesses on who she is.

10:10: I stand up and found that my cousin hasn’t slept a wink. He’s just been playing playstation and burning half my CD collection while I slept. I’m almost tempted to call the FCC on his ass. I don’t need this the morning before the big games. Might be Bad Karma.

10:20: I’m hungry so I send my pirate cousin to the store to buy some doughnuts. Have to have the doughnuts and coffee before some football. I think I’ve covered this ad nauseum in my Niner Notes on my old blog.

11:00 Pre-game time! I already have a basic idea of who I want to take. I’m getting a little nervous because my Uncle hasn’t called yet and the game starts in an hour.

11:22: This pre-game hype is boring. And uninformative. Just the way I like it. The last thing you need is a feature on one of these shows that actually swings your pick and makes you go the other way after a week of talking yourself into your picks. Like the weather. Or the decision every quarterback has to make in cold weather. Glove or no glove? Honestly, I think wearing gloves on the throwing arm is a 10 point swing in favor of the other team. But that’s just me.

11:25: Since I have nothing to add here, might as well show you my picks:

New England –4
Philadelphia –5

Two favorites with a touchdown or less advantage. No underdogs winning here. Even if one of the underdogs is at home. (MUST-NOT-CHANGE-PICKS!)

11:31: Ok, I’m sweating. He hasn’t called yet and the Atlanta players are already warming up. This is not good.

11:35: Success! He’s called. But there’s a problem with my picks. I can’t make a 2 team tease bet. I’ve to add an over/under! This throws me for a loop half an hour before the game! I ask him what he thinks of the Philly game. He’s going over 37 points. That means, he’s betting that the total of both teams final score is OVER 37. I think for 5 seconds and go with my first thought.

“Let’s do it.”

“Ok and by the way, the Philly line has moved. It’s now 6 points.”

I gulp real hard. “Ok”.

11:41: I’m feeling ok about these picks. I just wish I had more time to study and get a real good feel for going over 37 points. This after Philly is dumped 10 inches of snow on Saturday, the weather is in the teens and the wind chill is even below that. Oh Atlanta has the number one running game. Did I just say one good thing about taking the over? I can’t take this. I grab lunch and order 2 huge burritos for me and my cousin.

11:58: We make it just in time for the start.

12:20pm: End of the first. Philly 7 Atlanta 3. Not good. I need Philly to win by more than 7. I’ll save you the commentary about the game. I’m saving that stuff for later.

1:15: Just before halftime, Philly’s QB Donovan McNabb throws a pass near the end zone that is ALMOST picked off by Atlanta. I mean the defender had that thing in his hands and it just dropped to the ground. I told my cousin: “My $50 just flashed before my eyes.” Let me tell you something. You haven’t lived yet until you put $50 and you come THIS close to blowing it on a dumb pass. Halftime score Philly 14 Atlanta 10.

1:35 Midway through the 3^rd quarter and the game has slowed down after a great start. Score’s now 17-10 Philly. I spot a mini plush football and I just start throwing it with my little cousin Alec. Calms the nerves.

2:10: It’s now 20-10 Philly. 7 more points and I get 2 out of 3! Let’s go Phi lly Let’s Go!

2:45: Eagles in the Atlanta 2 yard line. It’s 3^rd down and goal. Don’t settle for the three points!!! PLEASE!!!! I remember the play like it just happened 5 minutes ago. The call play action and the tight end and full back run out routes to the right. The running back makes a curl at the middle. McNabb fakes the run and throws it to the tight end at the corner of the end ZONE! TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!

2:47: I haven’t jumped around like an idiot in years. I felt like I caught the pass and scored. Getting two out of three in the first game is pretty close. Philly 27 Atlanta 10. Now all they have to do is hold on for 5 and half more minutes.

3:03: The final kneel down and the coached is dumped some Gatorade. Did I mention it was below 20 degrees? There should be a rule. No dumping of cold liquid on back when the temperature is below 30.

3:15: No sooner do I revel in the euphoria of getting two of my picks right out of three in the first game, do I get thrown a wrench. The line for the New England-Pittsburgh game has changed but I don’t know what because our bookie got in trouble with the wife for losing a bunch of money on Atlanta. Now she won’t let us talk to him and I don’t know what to root for! Is the line 5 points? 4? 6?

3:25: Almost game time and we still can’t get a hold of him. This is no good.

3:28 I’m now approaching hyperventilating mode. I think now is a good time to tell you that I haven’t moved from my spot in the couch except to get up and get water and smoke. I think I need to get some help. But not as bad as the bookie. When the wife gets mad, that’s not good.

3:46: Pittsburgh gets the ball first and the rookie QB throws an interception on his second throw. I’m still not in a good mood because I don’t know what the line is.

3:50: NE goes up 3-0. They could have naked cheerleaders on the side in below 10 degree weather with –16 wind chill and I could care less.

4:15: Pittsburgh fumbles the ball on a 4^th and 1 play. Barely registers.

4:16 Brady throws a 60 yard bomb to Deion Branch. Touchdown! NE up 10-0! Now I feel much better. About the score and that pass. That was sweet.

4:40: Pittsburgh gets a field goal and its now 10-3. My blood pressure quickly shoots back up.

4:45: Now I’m getting ticked off. I have to buy some food for the house before I leave. They want me to leave my spot in a tight game and I don’t even know the line? Remember the money flashing before your eyes? This has got to be bad karma. I make a deal that if NE gets a TD, we’ll leave.

5:02: Brady wide receiver screen to David Givens. TD! 17-3. I grab my stuff and listen to the game on the radio. I figure my luck could hold up for 15 minutes until I get back.

5:20: Me and my cousin were talking about Jay-Z’s old records that I never even notice that Big Ben’s (I’m not even going to begin and spell his last name. I’m not connected on the net right now so I can’t copy-paste) just thrown his second pick, this one returned for TD by Rodney Harrison. I catch the replay when I get back. At the half, 24-3, NE. Amazing. I’m looking real good right now.

5:25: My uncle starts talking about how much I’ll win and when I’ll get it. I’m not even going to mess with my luck and start talking about that. It’s just like talking about what you’ll buy if you win the lottery. It’s hard enough, taking into account the odds of winning, but to talk about winning before the results? Not a good idea.

5:27: I leave Hayward to head back home. My aunt’s tired from a hard day’s work of cooking so I don’t trip. Besides, the scores 24-3. If it were 10-10 I’d stay in the same spot I was for the Philly game. But this was a three TD difference. Against the best team in football, with a rookie QB whose already thrown 2 picks. There’s little sure things in the world but NE with a TD lead is as close as you can get. I’ve already forgotten that I still don’t know what the spread is.

5:55: TD Pittsburgh. It’s now 24-10. No worries. 2 TD lead.

6:06: TD New England. 31-10. Great drive by the champs to answer back. When they’re down, keep them down.

6:15 I can’t believe this. Pittsburgh answers back with another TD just as I pulled up on my driveway. On 4^th down and 5 no less! The scores 31-17 with a quarter and a half to go. They can’t possibly blow this game can they?

6:20. NE goes 3 and out and has to punt. I repeat: They can’t possibly blow this game can they??

6:26: Two big plays b y Pittsburgh to end the quarter and they have 1^st and goal on the New England 4-yard line. Cut to a commercial while I have an aneurysm.

6:27: Now might be a good time to review some of the new commercials that come out on championship week. These are the companies that a.) Can’t afford the millions of dollars to secure a 90 second spot on super bowl weekend and b.) Are trying to get a head start.

The Nike commercial with the masks was pretty cool. Urlacher’s mask was just bad (barbed wire). Mariano Rivera’s was the coolest of them all (guy with the 2 microsope like eyes). Everybody else’s was ok. Set aside the fact that Halloween is a good 9 months away.

The new southwest commercial was hilarious as always. Guy and a girl try to open their car, they eventually try to smash the window only to find out it’s not theirs. My favorite was the concert and a close second was the guy and girl in the meeting room.

6:31 Pittsburgh ends up kicking the FG because they can’t punch it in, 31-20. Right call. But, some food for thought. You’ve just scored 2 TD in a row. You have the best running game in football. You’re down 2 TD’s and you are knocking on the opponents door again. If you decide to go for it and make it a 1 TD game, the home crowd would absolutely go berserk. And I would probably lose all my nails from biting.

6:40: NE just answers back with a FG of its own, 34-20. Back to 2 TD game with 8 minutes to play and suddenly that decision to kick the FG looks really bad right now.

6:42: Big Ben throws his third interception of the game. Game Over.

6:50: Just for insurance, NE scores another TD on a Deion Branch end around. 41-20 NE. That’s for all the people who bet the over on this game. I think it was 34. I’m trying real hard push down my “I win” feelings until the clocks says 00:00. My, potentially, first win and I’m not leaving anything to chance.

7:01: Pitt just gets a garbage time TD. Please let this game end!

7:15: It’s over! You are now reading an entry from a very rich man :)

Revolutionary Friday (In n Out)

Before I start the day, just wanted to show two newsworthy items that caught my eye.

First, here's some news that should brighten a bloggers day. More power to the pen! Or keyboard, I guess.

And here's a trend that, hopefully, can continue to grow and not become just some fad. If you haven't switched away from IE yet, well what the hell are you waiting for? Another computer crash? Another mistaken click on a pop up that takes you to a virus and malware infested site? I've got a link on the side that takes you to the mozilla website. At least give it a shot. In the words of my Grandma: "It's so good, you'll forget your own name!"

Down with corporate monopoloy!

Sunset

Jane waved good-bye from the steps of her door. The car had already zoomed out of their driveway by her third wave. He’s late again. “That man…” she sighed. She walks inside and straight to the kitchen. Or Hiroshima. Either way, it’s a mess. “I hate it when he wakes up late. Just makes my job harder when he leaves. Good thing the kids aren’t here anymore.”

This is her life now. Married. Kids at college. Never needed to work. She spends her mornings cleaning up the mess. By noon, she does her shopping. By 3, he calls up Louie and asks if he’s coming home before dinnertime. He hardly says yes but if he does, she needs time to prepare just in case. She’s a model for the 21st century housewife in suburban America.

She picks up the newspaper sprawled on the kitchen floor. The last thing she reads is the front page. It’s straight to the horoscopes for her.

Libra
“You will receive a message from someone you do not expect. Take the time to listen. Great wisdom is gleaned from the knowledge of others.”

“You also said ‘I’d receive an unexpected gift.’ All I got was a lollipop that Louie picked up. I don’t know why I bother with these things”. She drops the newspaper and looks at the surrounding devastation.

“Pheeew…” She lies on the sofa after a hard mornings work. A quick glance on the coffee table reveals the enemy of all suburban families. “Oh my God…. When will this end?!” One quick cigarette and she’s off to the cabinet to get the vacuum.

“That’s funny. I could’ve sworn I left it here.” She picks up the phone and calls her man.

“Hello Lou? Have you seen the vacuum anywhere?”

“It’s in the attic honey. Had to make room for my golf bags.”

One thousand curses later and she’s covering her mouth from all the dust in the attic. She picks up the vacuum and start heading out when she catches something in the corner of her eye. A double look and she sees a star drawn with a sharpie on the side of a box. “I don’t remember drawing that.” Eight times out of ten she would ignore this and go to her cleaning. But something piqued her interest. She grabs the box and slowly opens it. Inside are mountains of letters. Friends, family, birthday cards, wedding cards. “Oh it’s my letter box. But how did that drawing get there...”

She spent the next hour pouring through old memories. One minute she’s 21 again, just got back from the beach and listening to her best friend expressing her desire to go back. Next she’s getting married, a round of well wishes and hope you last forever. She reaches inside the box to grab some more. Goes all the way to the bottom and grabs a handful.

“Ouch! What the hell?!!”
She looks inside and finds her broken nail embedded on a gap on the corner of the box. “How did that happen?” She grabs her nail and notices the bottom of the box lifting up.

A few more violent shakes and the bottom gives way. A tape crashes on the floor along with the bottom of the box. “What’s this? No labels.” She quickly flies through another box and takes out their old VCR player.

A face she hasn’t seen in 10 years sits down on a chair in front of the camera.

“Hey. By the time your watching this it must be years since I last saw you. I hope your doing ok. You might not like the secrecy of it all, but I didn’t want to get in the way of your life when I did this. So I had one of your friends hide it for me where you can’t find it, but will somehow be near you. I’m doing this so that I can say good bye properly. Not through words on a screen but with my voice and my face in front of you. I believe we deserve as much even if you don’t.”

“I felt different this time. Out of the dozens of times we’ve said good-bye, this felt different. Is that a sign that this is the last? I don’t know. I’m usually spot on with my feelings about us. Good or Bad.”

“Anyway, if this is the last then we had a good run at it. There were a lot of problems we had to deal with, past and present but I know we tried our best. These past few months, I’ve felt like our relationship was like it was only two months in, not 5 years. This probably makes it even harder to say this. I really thought we had a great chance this time. I’m ever the optimist when it comes to us. I lose hope but when I see you, I think right away that we have a chance to make it this time around.”

“I guess our problems were just too much for the both of us to bear. So much has not been said over the years that it has been hard to move forward. Me most of all I guess. I admit I was a bit hesitant to get back together, but after awhile I felt better than, um, good. Hehe. I don’t know what I’m doing. Like the last time I saw you.”

RIIIIING

“Shut up!!” she screams at the telephone.

“I thought I would be doing something that I could tell my kids ‘I remember the time when I did the craziest thing in the world for your Mom’. It turned out to be the stupidest. I don’t regret it. And I’m not faulting you either. I came in with no expectations. I came in not to make things up, or save our relationship. But as one human being to the other, to show compassion in the others time of need. You, most of all, mean more to me…. I just wanted to be there for you, like I kept telling you over and over.”

She stares at the screen without blinking, eyes wide open and welling up.

“All I ever wanted was to be there for you in your darkest hour. No plans. No hidden agendas. I was hurt when you wouldn’t even see me. I understood. I did a lot of thinking that night. I realize that this relationship was not working out for the both of us. You couldn’t stand our trust issues, I cound’t get over our past… we don’t talk things over. We lack that communication and trust that is needed for a healthy relationship. We relied on our feelings for each other to see us through but you are right. It’s not enough. Maybe for that one magical night where everything’s going right. But for the daily grind of a relationship, especially one like ours, it’s not going to work.”

“Sigh. I would’ve gone the distance with you. I didn’t need anyone else. You were my only o..

Sssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh

“Wha, What the hell?” She gives the TV a few good bangs. “What’s going on???”

It’s almost dinnertime and there are no noisy pots and pans. No familiar aroma’s that you smell when you walk around a neighborhood. Stew in one house, some barbecue grill in the other. Laughter, singing. All the things that signal the end of a workday. For one house, darkness fills the porch. Except for a flicker of light at the top room.

Jane had been watching the tape for hours. Her life had grinded to a halt. Her focus was to the person on her TV, watching in the bedroom where she slept with her husband. She stared at the person, someone she hadn’t seen in years. “Why now?” Her emotion jumped from sadness, curiosity, to anger.

“Are you eating dinner here tonight?”

“No honey, I got work to do. I might get home really late.”

“That’s ok. I was planning on having dinner with the girls if you weren’t coming home. So I guess I’ll see you tonight?”

Yeah that’s fine. Look I gotta go. See you tonight.”

“I miss you a lot”

“Miss you too. Gotta go.”

Her hearts racing. Her thoughts are going on overdrive. “Does he realize anything? Was I too obvious? No, too busy. Still, I need to cover myself. Haven’t had to do this in a long time.”

Her car hums on the inside and screams on the other. Which is the complete opposite of her. Her face is stoic. Unemotional. But inside, her heart beats faster and faster as her car zooms in the highway. She’s spent, emotionally. Her eyes have nothing more to give. She’s thinking a thousand thoughts.

“All I ever wanted was to be there for you in your darkest hour”

Why now?

I thought I would be doing something that I could tell my kids ‘I remember the time when I did the craziest thing in the world for your Mom’”

Why?

“It turned out to be the stupidest.”

Leave me…

She quickly turns the car to the right. She just misses hitting the bumper of the Toyota in front of her. A quick glance at her odometer. “105. I need to stay alive to figure this out.” She thinks to herself but now she decides to shut the voices down and reach her destination in silence.

Her cars rolls to a stop at a house in the middle of a neighborhood that looks just like hers. Nice lawn at the front with stepping stones that lead to the front door. A two car garage to the side. The lights are still open at the front. She rings the bell and out comes her friend to answer the door.

‘Jane! What a surprise come here girl.” A quick hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Sorry if I came over without letting you know, Mary. I just needed someone to..”

“You look terrible did you guys fight again?”

“No, it’s not about him. It’s something else.”

She pulls out the tape and looks at Mary. “You need to look at this.”

“Sigh. I would’ve gone the distance with you. I didn’t need anyone else. You were my only o..

Ssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh

Mary still hasn’t blinked, eyes wide open. “Oh my..”

“You were the last person to see him. Do you know where he is? Whatishedoing?PleaseMaryyouhavetotellmeIneed…”

“Ok calm down, girl. Breathe..” She closes her eyes and takes one deep breathe. Jane quickly follows and makes a violent exhale.

“Look, that was years ago. I haven’t seen him in almost 4 years. And that was in New York, too. Jane, for God’s sakes your married, you’ve got kids, you lead a great life. Now isn’t the time to chase after old lovers. Do you even understand what he’s trying to do?”

“Sigh. No.. I don’t know. I just…”

“Jane. Snap out of it. It’s been over for 10 years. I thought you were over him? This shouldn’t affect you in any way whatsoever.”

“It’s not…”

“Uh-huh. And my tits have implants on them. Jane. Girl. He’s trying to have some sense of closure. The way you broke up… Maybe it shouldn’t have happened like that but it did. And all he’s trying to do is put it all out in the air since you guys never really did. And he kept it close. Maybe you’d find it. Maybe you wouldn’t. This tape…is just the end. For the two of you. Don’t go about and thinking you want to talk to him after all this time. You have too much to lose."

Jane looks down and cries some more.

“Oh girl. Just let it go. You have a great man that’ll be home soon. You raised two great kids. Your life couldn’t be any better.”

“I know. It’s just…”

“What? Why are you so affected about something that happened 10 years ago?”

“I.. I let go…” She wipes the tear from her eye. “I let go and have never made a decision that I regretted so much in my life. I want to see him and tell him that.”

“Jane..” Her friend comes close to hug her tight. Mary’s mind starts racing.

“Please help me. I need to talk to him.” She whispers, not of want, but that’s all her voice can muster.

Mary looks at her friend straight in the eye. She just looks at her for a minute but to her it seemed like forever. Mary gets up and walks toward the kitchen.

“Wait right here.”

Jane looks back and she can see Mary rummaging through stacks of paper. She finds a pen and starts jotting down something from a daily planner. She closes it and looks back at Jane. Mary grabs the paper and heads back to where Jane is.

“I realize that I’m not really helping by telling you to forget about him. You obviously won’t listen to me. But on the other hand you are my friend and I don’t like to see you suffer like this. So, I’ll leave this up to you.” She hands Mary the paper. It has numbers on it. “No, that’s not his number. I don’t know that. That is a friend of his. Or, a friend of his back then. Don’t ask, long story. Anyway, he might know things better than me. His name’s Gary. That’s the best I can do.”

Jane stares at the paper.

“Now listen to me.” Mary grabs Jane by the arms and looks directly at her. “I’m giving you this so you can think things through. You have a decision to make. This number might lead to him. It might not. But once you call him, you’re going down one path. As your friend for a long time, I strongly suggest you take the other path.”

“And which path is that?”

“Tear this paper and trash the tape.”

Jane starts walking out the stepping-stones and looks back at Mary. She gives a tired wave. “Call you tomorrow!” Mary shouts as Jane reaches the sidewalk. She gets inside her car, leans back on the seat, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She opens her eyes and looks at the piece of paper that holds the fates of the people around her; her most of all. She hasn’t let go of it since Mary gave it to her.

“This is going to be one long drive.” Mary thinks to herself.

Alone again with her thoughts, Jane listens to her heart and head battle it out inside. She comes to a stop and closes her eyes again. Memories flash before her. She’s inside his car and she takes a picture while he drives. Louie kneels down in Hawaii and pops the question. She’s lying in bed with him, both naked and soaking the afterglow. She looks out her kitchen window and sees Louie playing with the kids. She’s in a restaurant celebrating her Grand Fathers birthday with him. Her Mom and Dad are giving him a hard time about something. Louie smiles, after hearing her Mom and Dad give their approval. She’s in a sofa in her old house and he’s sitting next to her. They’re watching Ally Mcbeal. She leans toward him and they kiss for the very first time. All she sees is darkness…

HOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNKKKKKK

She opens her eyes in a jolt. The lights green. She quickly puts it in gear and drives off. She clutches the paper tight. “It’s pretty late.” She thinks to herself. “ Gary might be asleep.” She suddenly thinks about something and drives faster. “He might be home already.”

She pulls up her car on the driveway and opens the garage. Louie’s car has already been covered. “Shit” and puts her hand in her head. She parks the car and opens the light. A quick check on her eyes reveal puffy tired eyes. She puts some powder beneath her eyes to mask the emotions that she has been going through. She gets out of the car and runs inside.
All the lights at the house where off. She drops her purse on the kitchen table and looks if he’s been rummaging through the fridge. Nothing. Everything’s as she left it. She takes a peek up the stairs and hears the TV on. She climbs up and expects the worse. He never likes it when she comes home later than him.

The door was half open. She slowly opens it to find Louie watching the discovery channel. “Come here honey, you’re missing the best part. Did you know they actually found the Holy Grail? They even have a church in Spain with a cup!”

“You look like your having fun with that.”

“Not as much as you had with the girls.”

“Sorry honey, you know how we are when we start talking.” She gives him a kiss on the forehead.

“It’s ok honey. I missed you.” He looks up and smiles at her. And in that instant, she knew.

She looks up at him and waves her hands at his face. He doesn’t flinch. After 2 hours she finally gets him to sleep. “Mmmm that was good.” She slowly creeps out of bed, puts on her nighties and heads down to the kitchen. She opens the lights and goes straight to her purse. She takes out the tape and grabs the paper that Mary had given her. She rifles through her purse again and feels around for her lighter. She finds it and immediately lights it. She looks at it for a second and then she takes the paper and burns the far edge. She watches it burn and quickly throws it in the sink. She takes what’s left and throws it in the trash. Her attention now turns to the tape. She looks at it for a minute longer than the burning flame.

The attic door slowly opens. A hand sticks out, then another. Jane pushes herself up and into the attic. She feels around the walls until she feels what she is looking for. The lights come on and she quickly spots the box with the star on the side. She walks slowly towards it and kneels down in front of it. She puts the tape inside as he found it and takes the board and covers it up. She puts all the letters back in place and covers the box. Then she stands up, turns around, shuts the light and closes the attic door.

Back Home

Ok! some pics that I thought I'd post. I'm writing this after the fact but what a crappy program Hello turned out to be! I had to do some editing before I got all the pics in one post! Anyway these are some pics I took when I went home. I'll post some more if I can figure out how to do them with the least bit of effort.

In N Out

Like the re-design? It goes well with the whole Sandman theme since he has reincarnated himself to a new "white" persona.

I didn't post anything yesterday because I was hard at work with the short story. It's actually finished but I still have to proofread it and maybe, just maybe, make some tweaks to it. If not tonight then tomorrow it will be up for consumption.

I debated on doing an offseason Niner Notes with the release of the old head coach and the hiring of the new guy. But I'll just give a quick pass here instead. I need a break from the 2-14 season. The one thing I like about him is his deep rooted Niner history, what with his dad being the coach of the team in the 60's and 70's. Being the old coordinator of the Baltimore Ravens defense, no doubt his defensive mind is sound so we'll just have to wait and see what he can do on the offensive side. Because last year, well, we were just offensive.

The random politician jab at the side was taken from one of those standup day calendar thingies. Mine's supposed to be jokes and snides of the day but it's not really funny. That was yesterday's. This one is today's.

Blanche: Little Joey, why are you eating that candle?

Little Joey: I wanted a light snack.

I will now electrocute my nipples!

In other news, as mentioned in a previous post my company (which will remain nameless) has decided to dump 250 hard working (ok not all of them) employees in another cost cutting move designed to lower expenses. I actually know a couple of them and to add to this story, the company actually put a deal in place where they have to stay until the end of the quarter in order for their severance package to kick in. That's 2 more months of staying at a place where they just gave you the pink slip. Do you want an example of modern day torture? That's like a girl giving mixed signals to a guy whose courting her. One day she likes you and acts like you have a great chance, the next she's having dinner with another. "Yeah I want you but I really don't." Let's just move on.

The epilogue to my trip is still in the formative stages so I don't think I'll get to it this week. So you'll just have to be sated with the short story and me rambling on and on about stuff for now. The format I had in my mind with these blogs is a couple of these In N Outs just to get random stuff out and talk about them and do big columns about one particular topic. That's the plan. It's not always going to work out that way but eh. Just read my postings, have a balanced diet, exercise regularly and you'll live to 120.

Now excuse me, I need a cigarette.

Duma Cum Laude

As you can see from the right side of this site, I got one of my goals done. Once I found how to add hyperlinks, I found how to add all kinds of stuff. With that, I have just graduated from Dumb-as-a-rock to just plain dumb in Coding 101. I want to thank the fine website Basic HTML (cheap plug!) for their crash course in basic code writing and blogger.com for their help guide. I had so much fun tweaking with the basic design, I completely lost track of the time and left real late from work. Oh yeah, I got paid touching up my little blogsite. You just can't beat that. I'd also like to thank Jen's friend Heidi coz I stole her Unky Mood idea and put one too. It kind of looks out of place with the theme of the site. Like a mole on the tip of the nose. But, I'll hang on to it for now because it gives me an excuse to tweak with the source code. I've also got a little space on the side where I can put whatever I feel like, from quotes (few and far between), CD's or books I recommend and what not. I'm thinking of putting the "Music I'm listening to while writing a post" there too. Or maybe that should be separate? I don't know. I'll sleep on it. At the bottom, I put a timestamp there so you can tell if the site has just been updated. A little something I stole from the Sports Guy's website, which I'll be linking here. Great site, great writer. Anyway, I'm off to do some more tweaking.

New Year, New Blog (In n Out 5 I think)

I don't like the way my blogsite is setup. I'm still running one of those templates that blogger.com provides and its just not right. And being dumb-as-a-rock when it comes to coding, it'll probably take awhile before I become content. My main beef? There are probably a hundred thousand blogsites that use the same template.

Anyway, this day has been interesting. I just met my new boss for the first time. Right now, my group is still in the phase of the relationship where everything is still good. Kind of like the first 3 months of a romantic relationship. She said all the right things to alleviate fears ( not me). We'll see in the next few months how this plays out. For me personally, I'm just happy to have a job. We just cut 250 jobs across the company and like I told my officemate: Would you rather be re-organized or layed-off? But, at the same time, the selfish side of me wants to know if this ship is still heading in a profitable direction for all involved. In other words, I want a raise. I was expecting to get one if not next month, by the end of the quarter. If it doesn't happen, I'm 80% sure I'm heading out.

I don't want to end on a down note so I'll just make some announcements on what I'm doing. I want to get my blogsite a section with links to my favorite websites to give the visitor (you) a better feel for me as a person. I'll also be coming out with an epilogue to my trip back home which I covered in livejournal and will be linking here as soon as I figure out how to do it:) Notice how the two goals are connected? Finally, I'm going to finish my short story and post it here. After 3 months, I'm finally going to make an effort to finish it. I think I needed the break to experience coming home before I could have finished the story. Just things I saw and found out will make the story even better (I hope). It's called "Sunset" and hopefully by the end of the week it'll be up.

Phew! That's a lot. Feels like work.

Congratulations, you just experienced your first In n Out.

Welcome

I'm not as morbid as I sound on the description. That's morpheus talking. Anyway welcome to my dreaming. Hope you enjoy your stay.

In my previous blogs, I keep some running items like In N Out and My Niner Notes (which is in hibernation since the season is over). When I just have something real quick to say and it doesn't deserve its own column, or when I just want to ramble about a million things, thats In n Out.

I'll come with my first official entry in a while. In the meantime, I'll try to see what else I can do with this new blogspot.