Barf

I’m reminded of better times one night as I was driving home from a family thing. Inside the car were my aunts and my mom. Everyone had a bit too much to drink this night, especially one of my aunts who was sitting shotgun. During the trip home they were all sleeping like babies. About a mile and a half from home, my aunt that had too much woke up, opened the window and started getting the hiccups. I didn’t pay much attention to it until the hiccups, or what I thought was hiccups, got worse and lost the sound. I’ve seen that happen too much, even to me, to know what that is. I immediately pulled over but it was too late. She had already chucked a good part of her dinner on her clothes and on the seat.

When I got home, I thought a lot of the times I’ve had to unload my excess alcohol. Not the typical “kneeling in front of the crapper” stuff. I’m talking about the wild ones, the weird ones. The ones you think back to and say “What the hell??” And it all came flooding back.

The time I was driving home from my birthday celebration. I had one too much punyetas that night, not hard to do when the tab was picked up b my girlfriends dad. That’s a whole ‘nother story. Anyway’s, I was in the car with my girl and her best friend. I was going to take both of them home; in my present state. A couple blocks from my girlfriends place and I felt my dinner wanting out. Not good. All I could think about was “No kiss tonight, no kiss tonight…”. 5 houses away from her place and my dinner just won’t be denied. Panicked, I turned away from them while they yammer about and chucked it into my mouth. Then I swallowed. She turns to me and says, “You alright?” not realizing I had just had dinner twice “yeah I’m fine”. I dropped her off without so much as a peck in the cheek and sped off. About a mile past her house and I felt you know what again. I was not about to have three dinners in one night. I turned to her best friend and, with my best cool drunk voice said, “Do you mind if I do something real quick?” Her eyes bugged out and she tried to keep her cool “Yeah sure”. I quickly pulled over under a bridge, opened the door and unloaded on the sidewalk. I didn’t even bother to get out of the car.

Then there was this one time in High School where I puked in a restaurant. It was almost the end of school and there was a house party for everyone in the batch. We had a ton but this was my most memorable one. I got to the party pissed off for some reason. I can’t remember now but I’m pretty sure a girl was involved. Getting pissed before a party is never good, because it almost always leads to doing stupid stuff, like drinking shots of tequila and chasing it down with beer on an empty stomach. You know the feeling. After a bottle I sort of remember spilling my guts out to the class dork, who only got invited because it’s her house. Sadly the party had to end and I got picked up by my driver. For some reason they brought two cars, which prompted my friends to take advantage of me and ask for rides. I can’t even remember now how many we took home. I do remember sitting at the back of a pick-up truck with about 5 of my friends and stopping at a Goodah to eat. Hilarity ensued. I proudly announced that I kicked all their butts in drinking on an empty stomach and someone had to pay for my food because I was taking them home, all while looking down at the table. So after a few minutes of staring, food suddenly appeared in front of me. 2 sips of soup and I was done. I barely got to the door before the two sips of soup came rushing out, along with every ounce of tequila, beer and some food I ate 2 days ago. Somehow I managed to stumble to the outside and finish it off on the plants. I come back and everyone is just too drunk to be in shock. I didn’t even get one ounce of heckling that night. Only when we got back to school. I plop down on my seat, hungry from all the action I’ve done, to find my soup look like the toilet bowl after you’ve barfed all over it. Which made me run out to the plants all over again. Good times.

I miss those times. I’ve got more but I’d rather hear from my friends. What’s the best barf story you’ve got?