Hearing Aide

It’s another boring Monday. So to spice things up, I’m going to do a little stunt. “Will my ears explode after listening to music for 8 straight hours?” Don’t even ask me where I came up with this one. I sometimes think I’ve completely gone insane and just think everyone around me is trying there best to understand.

So here are the rules. I start the clock at 9 in the morning and will not take them off until 5 pm. If, for multiple reasons, I have to take them off, I’ll add the time that they were off and make up for it after 5. So, if I’m disturbed by a 5-minute phone call from a stupid engineer trying to get documents out, then I’ll just have to stay around for 5 minutes after 5. I do work, you know but I’m not sure for how long after this. Also, there won’t be any stops while selecting songs. I’m keeping it settled on a shuffled play list. There’s probably a one second delay in between songs but that’s not going to give me any time to breathe. And finally, if some one stops by my office to talk, I’m taking off both earphones because it’s rude to talk to someone who has an earphone on one ear. That’s the ground rules.

Basically, the phones will be on for as long as I can stand. Or for as long as I’m employed. And I’m keeping a running diary of the day so I can look back and tell my kids someday: “Be careful with your new portable music player, Johnny. Try not play it for longer than 5 hours straight.” Then he’ll lovingly say “Ok Daddy.”

And I’ll lovingly reply back: “What was that?!”

As with all running diaries here, all times pacific and accurate to the best of my knowledge or your money back. This column is free, get it? Never mind.

9:00 AM: And we’re coming to you LIVE! From dreary San Jose, CA. Just got some breakfast to prepare for the long day. Eggs benedict with hash browns. Yuuuuummyyy!! Ok we’ll start this off with a play list called “90’s Alternative”.

9:19: 20 minutes into this and already the first big test comes; going out to get some coffee. This would have been a lot easier if I had everything in my cubicle. A smoking area, a fridge, a microwave, a coffee maker, a personal chef, a masseuse, and a fortuneteller. Just ‘cause.

9:34: After a few minutes of stalling (or productivity, as managers like to call it) I’m getting up for my coffee. Hope no ones walking around the halls. Might as well head for a cigarette break so I’ll be right back. And, yes, I still have the earphones on. You’re gonna have to trust that I have this thing on for the whole day.

9:51: I try and walk the halls as fast as I can, like the Flash. You never know when one of the enemies (Upper Management) is lurking around.

9:54: By the way, I’ve sufficiently prepared for this day. I just spent hours over the weekend transferring songs from my CD’s. And I’m barely even halfway. I think I’m up to 1000 songs now. Not that I’d get to listen all of them, but still.

10:09: First official interruption of the day. My office mate came by to talk about gas. Of all the nerve. No time for chit chat. Not when I’m doing something for… I don’t know what. Entertainment? I need help.

10:26: Around this time, on any other day, I would be surfing the usual websites to read all the new articles up. ESPN.com, for example, doesn’t update their site of new columns until now. East Coast bias. Well, today is hardly any day. So I’m trying real hard to fight back the urge to just surf the net until lunchtime. Either that, or not hear someone already behind me, like my boss. Listening to music while surfing the net on company time doesn’t win you awards. You actually lose a lot. 2 guesses on what that is.

10:37: Listening to Hungry Young Poets’ Drowning. Too bad they broke up. Funny story about Barbie. Back in college during my freshman year, my friend actually knows Barbie from their HS days. I begged and pleaded with her to introduce me to her. Finally, she gave in and told me that she was going to meet her after school at the University Mall across the street. So I went with her and, of course, she stood us up. Which led to this exchange:

Me: She’s not showing up is she?

Friend: Yeah I guess not. Don’t worry about it she’s gay anyway.

Me: (Speechless)

10:45: You ever hear something weird while wearing earphones, then take it off and find nothing? I get that all the time. And every time, I instinctively assume it as someone walking. So I snap my head back to check if theirs someone behind me. I think I’ve done this a hundred times since 9:00. Soon I’ll be like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

11:00: Two hour mark! 6 more hours and change to go. This calls for a celebration. More coffee and cigarettes!

11:06: Time for a play list change. Let’s go with “’00 Alternative”. Have to keep the music fresh so I don’t lose interest. It’s a marathon not a sprint.

11:21: Quick status update on the ears: Still in one piece. Although, the left is starting to get itchy. I get that a lot. I don’t know if it’s the ear phones or my ear. Yes, I do clean my ear.

11:25: I realize that this will all be for naught if the battery gives out. I did charge it full overnight but I don’t know how long the battery will last during continuous playback.

11:26: Problem solved. Apple says it’s 12 hours.

11:41: It’s getting real close to lunchtime. This morning, I thought about how to handle this. Should I take it off for the entire hour? I didn’t know where I was going to eat yet. Even Lance Armstrong stops riding during the night.

11:56: I decide on leaving it off while I get my food and put it back on once I’m in my seat. And I decide on cafeteria food. See, these are the things that I think about.

12:30 PM: I bring a book to keep my mind occupied and not think about hitting the 3 and a half hour mark. I finally get around to reading Fast Food Nation.

1:38: I’ll be writing about this book after I finish it. I read the introduction and half of the first chapter and… it just saddens me that so many things in our life has been “corporatized” Simple things like the clothes we wear, food we eat and things around the house are taken for granted, and yet we don’t stop to ask where these clothes are made, or what’s in the food we eat. While 10 billion people around the world munch on a Big Mac, kids are working as meat packers, in one of the most dangerous activities on a farm, to save Mcdonalds some money. All the highly skilled meatpackers have been rendered extinct by corporations who want lower costs. I’ll talk about this more some other time. It’s too depressing.

1:57: Quick status update: My ears are feeling strangely fine after 5 hours. The batteries on the iPod show it still has half left. Plenty of time.

210: Working, working, working….

2:20: Found this nifty little program for scriptwriters of all types.

2:43: Going on 6 hours. I stopped by the rest room to do my thing (Which reminds me, I saved you all the bathroom jokes. Suffice it to say that, yes I didn’t take them off there.) and I stop to wash my hands. In the mirror, I notice the earphone on my ear. I realize that I’ve had this thing on my ear for almost 6 hours straight. The little voice in my head says, “What the hell are you doing? Get it off now!” It takes everything I have to block all that off. See what I have to do to get some good blog entries??!

2:53: Time for another change in play list. I’ll let The Mars Volta take me home.

3:13: For the first time, I have this incredible urge to take the earphones off. Every nerve in my ear feels on fire. If I my focus too much on it, my head would feel real heavy.

3:14: I play The Widow to take my mind of it.

3:30: I’m telling anyone that will listen. These guys are out of this world. I’ve never heard any of the chords, drum lines or words on any other album. You know that you’re hooked when you search online to figure out what “Vade Mecum” or “Tarantism” means. Frances The Mute is classic rock for the modern age. The album is basically 5 songs spread across an hour and a half of wicked drums, guitar playing reminiscent of Led Zeppelin, and lyrics so surreal I still haven’t figured it out. None of the online message boards has figured out what the story is. Ok, I’ve done my best salesman impersonation.

4:10: 7 hours done. 1 more to go!

4:17: I’m freakin’ ready to take these of now.

4:30: I’m really really REALLY ready to take these off now.

4:59: My head’s starting to throb. Can’t think straight. Almost over now…

5:01: 20 more minutes….

5:15: Of all the luck! Suddenly I’ve got lots that need to get done and I’m not in the proper state. 5 more minutes. I’d count down but I just want to get these off!!!

5:19: Almost there. This is the longest minute of my life.

5:20: (Quickly take it off)

(Sigh…)

Epilogue: After 8 grueling hours, I made it to the end. No, My ears didn’t explode. I don’t know if I should be disappointed or relieved. On the other hand, I was a social retard for an entire day and lessened the life span of my hearing ability. And right now, air is finally coming in to my ear and I feel every sensation. The lesson learned from all this?

Don’t try this at home.